Of Hares, knives, and Chaga

I haven't been procrastinating, I've just been doing other stuff, I thought to myself as I stitched the rabbit furs together in the loose form of mittens. This was the second and final pair, they are to be gifts for my daughters on Christmas, tomorrow.

As I was rounding the bend on the last curve, using a locking stitch, I heard the mail truck pull up outside. The dogs were sounding the alarm as usual. I came back inside with several boxes, one of which went to the top of the list for opening.

A pair of the newest Bushcraft USA knives. I'd ordered two as I wanted one for myself and I intend to give the other one away on the BCUSA forums. They set the rabbit fur mitts off, don't you think?

With the mitts done and itching to go outside I shouldered a new hybrid pack and frame I put together from an Alaskan Guide Frame and a Bundeswehr Rucksack. I'll do a write up in the future on this rig, for now I just wanted to go for a walk, make a fire, and drink some tea.

I walked to an area where I've been cutting some fire wood. Good spot to have a fire and a sit. Before I started on the fire fixins I took some shots of the BCUSA knife that I am going to keep.

From the Bushcraft Outfitters listing for these knives:

The Bushcraft USA Knife is made by LT Wright for us. The steel is 1/8" O-1, which is my personal favorite. The grind is Scandinavian. The blade length is 3.75" with a overall length of 8.25" including the Micarta handle and exposed tang. The spine of the knife is ground to 90 degrees for striking a firesteel and smoothing wood. A brown leather dangler sheath with fire steel loop is included. Handle options include OD Green, Natural Canvas, and Black. These will be available in small batches.

I ordered the OD Green and the Natural On a Friday and received them on Monday, during the Christmas rush no less.

So I set about gathering some dead standing wood, some birch bark, some low spruce limbs that were dead. I did baton some of the dead standing stuff into smaller pieces. While the blade on the knife is sub 4" it had no problem with this task. One just needs to pick the right wood to work with.

Shaving and feather stick making were also a breeze and quite enjoyable. I had no hot spots with the handle, was able to make fairing fine feathers as seen below.

These are bushmen knives, they do not have the refinements of burled scales, liners, coke bottle shaped handles. They are just as sharp though, mine would shave arm hair out of the box, the spine has one of the sharpest 90s I've ever gotten on a knife. It's a working bushcraft knife from LT Wright, it's a serious knife packing some serious capability into a light and small package.

As per my favorite method of fine making I used the knife's fine edge to scrap up a porous, fibrous, patch of fine birch bark. One slow scrape of the ferro rod on the spine of the knife and viola, fire was had.

With that out of the way I dug my kettle out and added some water. These days I just leave a chunk of chaga in my kettle full time. One chunk about the size seen in the kettle will make multiple kettles of tea. Just add water and settle over the fire.

Obviously this is not a review, just some thoughts on the knife as I received it. Some additional notes, the sheath the knife comes with is perfectly serviceable and good quality leather with a fire steel loop and dangler, it is well stitched and again, high quality. That being said I wanted to try the knife in the sheath I use for my Skookum Bushtool. Pretty much a perfect fit.

Speaking of the Skookum, the two knives are similar in blade length and design, obviously the handles, for those who know skookums', are different. The BCUSA knife is lighter in weight by a few ounces at least.

I'll be back with a more comprehensive piece on the knife in the future. I can say right now, there's nothing wrong with it, it's a great design made by a fantastic knife maker, it's very robust, very sharp, and handles very well.

More to come, thanks to for taking a look.

godaddy rant for piss poor customer service

I spent nearly 8 hours in some form of support chat or call yesterday. A ridiculous series of escalations because the tech support at godaddy couldn't figure out an issue I was having.

Over and over again they'd come to the same conclusions which typically was to blame squarespace for a hosting issue, never mind the fact that squarespace isn't the host, godaddy is, or was.

At one point they blamed propagation issues and told me to wait 72 hours and the issue would resolve itself. Really? Even though the site had been function fine for over a year now, and only that morning developed redirection issues, it must in fact be propagation problems.

So, eventually they said they would escalate my issue to advanced troubleshooting.

I got an email this morning, screen shot below.

When a company begins to determine their issues are solved because they lost a customer, how long before said company implodes?

So what should they have done besides being able to resolve the issue in the 8 hours I spent trying to get the issue resolved? Were I still employed in the positions I held before I retired I'd recommend setting up a customer save team that the technical support team pitches customer to, that have elected to transfer away after a failed attempt to correct a problem. Said save team reaches out to save the customer.

At least make the effort, because patting yourself on the back for losing a customer isn't going to keep you in business in the longer term.

What's In Your Parka?

Living, working, playing in the depths of winter? By winter I don't mean anything north of zero Fahrenheit. The winter I'm referring to commonly has temperatures well below zero and wind chills in the significant double digits below zero. Skiing, snowmobiling, snowshoeing, hiking, or working for a living in extremely cold environments can put a person in a bad place if not properly prepared.

*While I do carry my main gear in my pack, it is possible to become separated from it. As a result I carry immediate need survival equipment in my parka pockets.

The Parka

Empire Canvas Works is the company that produces the parka (Permafrost Parka) I've been using for several years. They're also fellow denizens of Northern Minnesota, and they've been producing solid winter expedition quality gear for a long time. I've been very pleased with mine and have come to rely heavily upon it when I'm spending time outside in the depths of winter.

Before we get into the specifics of the gear let's cover a few important aspects of the parka itself. It's is the primary piece of kit within the system.


A parka in my mind isn't some huge bulky insulated single garment. That's a coat you wear to the mall. A parka for true winter use is a shell that breathes, keeping you from getting cold from perspiration. Blocks wind which is the single largest warmth robbing monster you'll have to deal with. Cold without wind is just cold, cold with wind is an ice demon hell bent on freezing your soul. It should have plenty of easily accessible and roomy pockets. It needs to be able to be cinched down, at the hem, at the waist, and around the hood.

Speaking of the hood, the fur ruff around the hood isn't merely for style points. Wind removes heat from your face by convection, and the faster it blows, the more heat it removes. When the wind hits a solid object, a boundary layer is created in front of the object, inside which the wind slows down. The larger the object, the thicker and more insulating the boundary layer.

In 2004, a research team from the universities of Michigan, Washington and Manitoba quantified this boundary layer effect using a heated model of a human head, thermocouples, a wind tunnel, and a variety of hoods. As expected, the most effective hood by far in slowing heat loss had a sunburst ruff. It was particularly superior to other hoods when the wind was blowing from the side.

Beneath each armpit on the parka there is a delrin loop, these are for cording your mittens off. I like being able to keep my mittens where I need them when my hands are not in them. I frequently remove my hands when nimble fingers are required and simply drop the mitten, it'll hang just below my waist via the dummy cord to the delrin loop.

What's in the pockets?

There's a lot going on in the image above, let's simplify by focusing on the four pockets. There are two chest pockets and two cargo pockets.

Top Right Pocket

 On the parka's upper right pocket there is a wool triangular cravat (15 Uses of a Triangular Bandage), under the cravat there is a Bushcraft Outfitter's Signal Panel. I cannot say enough good things about this thing. It's a signal panel, a bag, a pad, a pillow, scarf, fire prep pad, and tons of other uses. It weighs less than 4 ounces, is 29" square, the material is 70d waterproof ripstop nylon. Blaze on one side, multicam on the other..

Top Left Pocket

The other chest pocket holds my camera and or phone, and a pair of revision photochromic ballistic goggles. I prefer those over a dedicated pair of snowmobile or ski goggles. I also carry a small bottle of Ops Drops anti-fog and a cleaning cloth.

Lower Right Pocket

A red zippered bag made by Foxlite Gear holds some basic goodies. The bag slips easily in and out of the pocket, and there's room for more gear if I need to add to it.

Inside the bag I have what you see in the image above. A tin of caffinated chocolate, Scho-Ka-Kola, medicated chapstic, two cliff gel shots, each equals 100 calories. Couple packs of gum from an MRE along with the TP. a small compass, a Petzl e+Lite, a tin with a fire kit that includes hurricane matches and other goodies, a flannel handkerchief. Incidentally, do not by Scho-kakola from Amazon if you're looking for it. It's three times as expensive through Amazon as it is buying from Varusteleka. Seriously, $3.99 a tin vs $12.99 @ Amazon!

Important parts are energy and caloric.  Your body requires fuel to burn in order to make heat, surviving extreme cold on low energy and low or no calories is very difficult. Besides the calories, the caffeine in both the gel shots and the chocolate help keep me alert and energetic.

Lower Left Pocket

There is a white FoxLite Gear bag in this pocket that has a pre-built pocket 'Super Shelter'. If you're not sure what a Super Shelter is, it is the creation of one Mors Kochanski, one of the most well know Bushcraft and Survival instructors on earth. Author of Bushcraft: Outdoor Skills and Wilderness Survival. This particular version is a prebuilt shelter, it needs only a ridge-line in order to set it up. Here's a video showing the pocket super shelter in action, averaging a 50 degree increase in temperature over ambient outside temps.

Also in that pocket is a small pouch from Centerline Systems. Within it I have a titanium whistle, a Exotac Titan Light, a ferrocerium rod, a compass and a signal mirror. Also attached is a PSK blade.

I practice with this gear regularly, and some of it I use as a matter of course in my activities. There are a number of people who die every year while enjoying winter, some of them because they were not prepared for the unexpected. Snowmobiles break down, run out of fuel, getting lost happens, injuries occur, you might face a night or two before search and rescue locates you or you may be required to effect self rescue. Being prepared isn't hard or that expensive, however, the price for not being so may be the ultimate one.

Road Gear; The Air Armor M240

It was a dark and stormy night, the highway was empty, black and wet. The double yellow vaguely illuminated by the headlights, a ding sounded twice, the low air warning flashing on the dashboard. The right rear tire was under inflated...

It was a cold morning, the sun hadn't cleared the horizon, he could see his breath on the air as he walked to his car. "Crap" he said as he noticed the flat tire...

He saw the hazards flashing in the distance and began to slow. The car was pulled off the road onto the shoulder and a woman was standing at the rear of it with cell phone in hand. He pulled off behind her and noticed she had a flat...

He had driven the old logging road earlier that day, heading to his favorite neck of the woods. After spending the day afield with his best dog he returned to the truck only to find he had a flat tire...
After spending a day on the water and the sun sinking behind the mountains the couple pushed their boat towards the docks.

Their faces red and windblown, smiling but tired. With the boat waiting at the ramp to be loaded on the trailer they found one of the trailer tires flat...

You don't have to be a hard core off road enthusiast to appreciate the ability to air up a tire without needing roadside assistance or a gas station's air pump. Needing air in a tire is one of the most common occurrences motorists face on the road, and off.

I had been looking at various options for a vehicle based air compressor.  Some were mounted and others were not. Prices ranged from under $100 to over $600. Those over $250 were eliminated as they didn't fit my budget, and some of them which required mounting and plumbing of air lines were overkill for what I wanted. I'd come to the conclusion that I wanted a mobile air compressor, not overly large but still capable of inflating large tires.

After reading multiple reviews and recommendations for several products I finally decided to give the Air Armor M240 a go.

Here's the description provided on Amazon for the M240;

CONVENIENCE: The M240 12v air compressor powers directly from your vehicle’s battery and delivers air with a 25’ service hose. Included is a box of tire parts, tools, and accessories. All this in a tough as nails steel storage locker to have with you where ever you go.

MULTIPLE USES: You won’t be the operator caught dead on the road because you lost a part in the dirt - the M240 air pump has your back. Packed in the accessory box is an arsenal of 27 tire care and repair parts which includes a tire repair kit, 4-way tire valve tool, 2 gauges and an assortment of commonly lost or damaged tire parts like valve caps and cores.

EASY TO USE: At the core of the M240 is a 12-Volt, direct drive, high volume air compressor with a 10’power cord that clips directly to your vehicle’s battery. This 40mm powerhouse provides optimal performance in the critical tire inflation pressure range. Delivering 2.11 CFM you can inflate a full size truck tire in less than 2 minutes. Fully inflate a 35” tire from 0-35 PSI in less than 5 minutes. The system boasts an instrument panel with built-in air pressure gauge and type "M" style 1/4" air fitting to attach the unprecedented 25’ straight easy-to-coil air hose with lock-on ball foot commercial air chuck. Airing up has never been easier thanks to an extended 50% duty cycle and hose that reaches all 4 tires of even the longest wheelbase vehicles.

GREAT GIFT IDEA: The perfect gift for the rugged off road, outdoor enthusiast, Jeep owner who needs to air up and air down quickly and easily. A popular item with our Military and First Responder customers.

I purchased one on September 17th of 2017 and I've since used it countless times. A six week road trip exploring the American West in 2018, I used it every day. This was because I was airing down for a trail and then airing up again after finishing the trail. I covered over 6,000 miles on this trip, much of it off road in the back country of Utah, Colorado, Idaho, and Wyoming.Early on in the trip I was in Idaho on a trail that would put me in Wyoming. The road started as a rough gravel washboard road and eventually turned into a dirt and rock goat path. I aired down and like an idiot, set the M240 on my trailer's tongue box and drove off. Three miles later I realized what I'd forgot, turned the jeep around and headed back. I found the M240 scattered across the rough gravel road. It had fallen off and hit the road at probably 25mph. The ammo box was separated from the lid and the components were scattered about. I wasn't hopeful.

I reconnected the lid to the box, hooked the alligator clips to the battery terminals and hit the switch. The unit fired right up and worked just fine! The images below are post fall.

Keep in mind that I wasn't just airing up four tires for this trip, each time I aired down I did so on my overlanding trailer as well. So each time I aired up I was airing up six tires!

How Quick?

I'm running 35x12.50s, these are some large beefy tires. Typically I'm running 37psi on the street and air down to 23-25psi on the trail. Super slow rock crawly type stuff and I'll air down into the teens. For most of this specific trip however, the lowest I went was 23psi.

The M240 has a claimed CFM (Cubic Feet Per Minute) of 2.11.  To be able to inflate a 35" tire from 0-35psi in less than five minutes. While nearly all of my re-inflation efforts were quick, I don't know if the 0-35psi claim is realistic. On average, to inflate from 23 to 37 took about 3 minutes per tire.  The speed can be affected by the battery the unit is drawing from and heat generation of the compressor. There are some other factors but they tend to be not as impacting as battery and heat. I'm sure elevation has an impact as well but I don't know how much of one.

The unit is durable, surviving a 25 mph impact with the road. The tools it comes with are all nice additions. I would recommend a high quality tire repair kit like Boulder Tools Tire Repair kit, additionally I'd recommend a good quality tire deflation kit if you're airing down regularly, the Boulder Tools Tire Deflator kit.

For the non off-roading type the unit is still a worthwhile purchase. The scenarios at the beginning of this article are common and could be resolved with a unit like the M240. A can of Fixaflat could potentially resolve them as well, however, there are a number of reasons you might not want to use Fixaflat. Tire Repair With Fixaflat-Use Caution lists the some of the reasons.

Having owned the M240 for a year, and used it extensively I can recommend the unit with a couple caveats.

1. If you're planning to use the unit to inflate tires larger than 35" you're going to have issues.
2. If you are inflating 35" tires it's likely going to take a little longer than the advertised times.

It's a quality product that fit my needs and performed as expected. Even exceeded my expectations when it comes to durability.

Happy Trails!

American Grouch Discount

For those who may be interested, follow the link below and take 15% off your entire order at Survival Nomads. Lot of new products recently added!

https://survivalnomads.com/discount/americangrouch

Survival Nomads

I can't say that 'retirement' is filled with idle time, in fact I'd say it's quite the opposite. I'm staying busy, tween the kids, the house, the chores (I'm still raising chickens and goats) plus cutting and splitting firewood to heat the place, I'm fairly engaged.

However.

My latest endeavor has been bringing a few businesses online, besides www.outdoorsman.net www.woodsmansremedies.com http://goapocalypse.com there is also www.survivalnomads.com

Survival Nomads is my online shop selling various outdoorsy type goods. It's young but operational, and growing. I'm continuously trying out new stuff and discarding stuff. The goal being to carry some good reasonably priced gear, and eventually offering a range of items from low priced but still good quality to best in class gear that of course comes with the corresponding price tag. I want to carry stuff people would find useful and would feel like they could depend on it.

I've been an outdoors-man my whole life and I mean my whole life. At three years of age I sat in the creek in front of our house that didn't have electricity or running water and shoved my finger into critter holes in the bank. I was a happy kid then.

My point is, as I go through the goods in the store I'm ditching stuff that I don't think is useful to someone.  Having spent my life outside and using various tools I've come to appreciate some design elements. Not all of the designs currently stocked would fit my tastes but that doesn't mean it wouldn't for others.

Not only do I hope you'll visit the store, I hope to hear from you. Likes, dislikes, it's all good and it helps me grow. If you've got product suggestions I'm very eager to hear them. If I can source what you're looking for at a competitive price I'm all for it.

So, if you've the time, come see me at Survival Nomads.

My Son

My second oldest son is off and running, and I am proud to say, following in his old man's footsteps to and extent. (I hope he avoids most of my mistakes along the way).

If you've the time, his work is worth the follow, he writes his own blog now.

Check him out at Notes of the Nomad.



And to use his tag line, "Stay safe out there!"

Good luck in your travels, my son.

The Best Field Watch

I don't really know why I've always been fascinated by timepieces, classic timepieces more so than modern. What I do know is I've had a watch on my wrist since I was a young man, I believe I was twelve or thirteen when I got my first one and I've had one ever since.

Before I retired it wasn't uncommon to hear me say things like 'lose an hour in the morning and you'll spend all day looking for it'. which is an absolute truth. Many recent studies have shown that we tend to be most productive in our work days in the morning. It's all downhill after lunch for many, so losing an hour in the morning really hurts an individual's productivity.

In my final years of corporate life the bane of the smartphone rose to prominence. I can honestly say I've never seen anything more damaging to productive and wise use of time than the smartphone. I witnessed the disappearance of many a wrist watch, or saw them replaced by extensions of smartphones, a la the apple watch. True, there were some who still wore a timepiece and I never failed to notice that. I also studiously observed those who checked time on their watch, usually a glance that could be measured in milliseconds versus those who checked their phones. What starts as a look at the time turns into multi-minute affairs if not longer, because invariably there were several push notifications, text messages, emails that drove the person to check out of the meeting and essentially disengage from a productive state within the group. I digress.

The history of wristwatches is fascinating, when they first became readily available they were for women. The venerable pocket watch was the male timepiece of choice. The first record most often pointed to was in 1868, and until the first World War they remained on the wrist of the fairer sex. War would change that.

In the book 'Now it can be Told' by Philip Gibbs, he says;

"The watch hands [on the officers’ wrists] pointed to the second which had been given for the assault to begin, and instantly, to the tick, the guns lifted and made a curtain of fire round the Chateau of Hooge, beyond the Menin road, six hundred yards away.

“Time!”

The company officers blew their whistles, and there was a sudden clatter from trench-spades slung to rifle-barrels, and from men girdled with hand-grenades, as the advancing companies deployed and made their first rush forward."

Post war, production of wristwatches for men exploded and the world never really looked at alternatives again, until the modern smartphone became commonplace.

However, there are many who never took their watch off. Now seem that watches are making a come back. or so some have written

Fast Company; Millennials Think it's Time to Bring Back the Analog Watch.

And 

Wired ; I BOUGHT A DUMB WATCH TO RESCUE ME FROM MY PHONE 

The analog field watch, the kind of watch most of our father's fathers and then they themselves wore. Found upon the wrist of travelers, adventurers, hunters and fishermen as well as mill workers and foundrymen police officers and of course soldiers, aviators, squids and lounge lizards, the world over. (No offense to my fellow Navy Men and Marines.) 

I've had a number of them over the years but I won't bore you with all of them while leading up to what I think might be the most affordable, durable, functional version I've owned. In fact, I've liked this watch so much I have several of them, but none of them have worn out or stopped working. So why so many of them? Because of minor changes since they were released that had features the prior version did not have. I've owned four of the Bertucci designs, all of them are still kicking.

The final iteration that has been on my wrist for a while now, the Bertucci A4T Illuminated. It was the first of the line that had all of the features I wanted, many of the others before it had some or most but not the complete feature set I was looking for.

While there are many features, the primary for me is the watch is a single piece of titanium, no pins and the fact that the crown is at the 4 o'clock position. That feature alone is huge to me. For a number of years I had a permanent callus on the back of my hand where the crown on a submariner dug incessantly into the tissue to the front of it. The 4 o'clock positioning of the crown on the A4T eliminates this issue. The watch is incredibly lightweight, and while it is a 44mm  case it is quite slim and doesn't catch on sleeves and the like. I like Marathon watches but they're bricks on the wrist and incredible thick.

The single piece of machined titanium. It's a clever design that does away with the pin method of attaching the watch to a band. You run the single continuous band through a bar, under the watch and then through the next bar. Done. Virtually indestructible. 

The A4T Illuminated has continuous illuminating micro tube hands & markers. The tritium microtubes are brite and unfading. The face is classically styled after many WWII Field Watches, the crystal is sapphire and virtually unscratchable.

From Bertucci;

FEATURES:

• Equipped with our legendary U.S. Patented solid titanium Unibody™ case for extreme durability and comfort
• Durable screw down crown & case back
• Hardened anti-glare sapphire crystal
• Swiss made all-metal quartz movement
• Active Comfort™ ergonomic 4 o'clock crown does not impinge wrist movement
• Period authentic U.S. military dial with 12/24 hour markings and date
• Integrated unbreakable titanium band retention lug bars
• 100 M water resistance
• 5 year battery life
• LBI - Low Battery Indicator feature will cause the second hand to skip, indicating it's time to change the battery
• 3 year warranty

The only feature I wish was available is a solar powered version. Which brings me to why I've abandoned automatics. While they are great pieces, all automatics have to be serviced, some of them within four or five years, the longest I've ever seen advertised is ten years. And while that's a long time, even five years, the cost of servicing automatics is often atrocious. I've been quoted and paid from $250 to $1200 for a service that was usually required every five years. So, as much as I like automatics, I no longer own any. Solar is interesting and I've had a few, and is the only missing feature from the Bertucci A4T in my opinion.

There are a slew of bands that will work with this watch and the manufacturer offers three materials. Nylon nato zulu types, Horween leather and Tridura which is a polyurethane infused webbing. The band is 26mm in width.

All of the Bertucci field watches are available in a polymer resin, stainless steel, and titanium. The polys are the least expensive and offer the same one piece no pin design and the 4 o'clock crown. These are a great option for younger folk, my seven year old son has the A-2R Bertucci DX3 as does my sixteen year old daughter. It's a very inexpensive ($59.99 @ the time of this writing) very durable watch!

If you're looking for a classically styled field watch with a modern execution that is unencumbered by 'smart stuff' you need look no further than Bertucci. If the A4T isn't in your price range you can get essentially the same watch as the A4T Illuminated for quite a bit less if you're willing to forgo the Tritium, and or the sapphire crystal. The A2 for example is about 1/3rd the cost of the 4T. In fact the entire range of Bertucci watches can be had quite economically depending upon your choice of build and features.

See the entire line of Bertucci Watches. The ordering process at Bertucci is either over the phone or via email, in this way you can pic the exact watch, features and band type that you want. For those who are not interested in custom configurations, you can find nearly the entire line at Amazon.

Destroying our social fabric...

No matter who or where you are, spend the 15 minutes the following takes to see, and spread the word.

An Update

I spent nearly three hours this morning cleaning up the comments section here. I deleted nearly 1000 comments there were spam and I still don't know if I got them all. As a result I'm turning on comment approval for the foreseeable future. I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience to the regulars here.

I've also launched a new website, www.outdoorsman.net

It's in its infancy and only a portion of what I hope to do is published so far. I am also actively looking for writers and contributors to this new endeavor. Not solely focused on hunting but rather a range of outdoors and outdoors related categories. I hope to expand the site to a very wide range of topics that have something to do with the outdoors, including things like gardening, homesteading, self reliance, off grid, as well as the typical fare such as camping, hiking, bushcraft and so on.

These are paying gigs. So, if you've an article you'd like to pitch please contact me at frostbornepublications@gmail.com please include a short bio as well as the subject matter you'd like to write about. Pictures are always good to. And any links to any material you've already published.

Aggie, I've always been fond of your food/cooking/canning/home made type stuff, I hope to have a section dedicated to this so if you've an interest please reach out.

For the regular crowd here, I'm going to continue posting at AG. Primarily about my personal journey. While there will still be some articles published here, most of my future content will be at outdoorsman.net

I hope that you will all join me there!

Thank you,

Jim 

Hard

They say that we all grieve differently, that the process for each person is both similar and yet not. We don't have much in the way of instruction, once it happens we look for answers, we read about it but that's always after. I don't know anyone who studied grief before grief descended upon them.

When we're young and we're busy falling in love we often hit the ropes a time or two. Heartbreak happens, we learn to love over time. We when lose the person we fell in love with it there isn't a gradual learning slope, and so we all learn to cope overtime but it isn't like we know how in the beginning.

I'm writing this now, for all of the people who have tried to help me. Know that I understand that your thoughts and prayers were genuine. I also know that I have not returned communications, nor have I reached out, I haven't talked to a lot of people that I should, because I can't.

My mechanism for coping has been to be alone for the most part, I know I've withdrawn from the world because I can't currently function within it. Of course I am taking care of my children, they've become what keeps me upright. Outside of them though I don't talk to other adults unless I have to. Not because I don't care, but because I simply can't.

Carol was my strength for so long that I had forgotten that I needed to be strong for myself. My outward appearance for all those years with everyone I worked with in the world was one of strength and confidence, and it was true. Largely do to her belief in me and her support.

I have felt like the legs have been kicked out from under me. I have stumbled, there is no doubt.

I am aware now that the 'healing' isn't coming. I am not going to be healed of this wound. I accept that. I will endure it. As a friend once said to me, "there is no moving on, there is simply, move forward'. I understand and accept this.

Often, each morning after I get the kids off to school I sit at our giant kitchen table where so many meals and conversations had been shared and I stare at her chair. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I heard her voice, she said my name. Then the sleep fades and I know I am alone in the dark.

I walk in my woods again, down the paths through the birch and the aspen. I pass by the carving I made in the giant aspen the year we moved here. The snow is soft this year, and silent. I drift through the tall spruces that stand now twice the height than they did the first time I walked them. The creek still sings when I near it, but the song sounds different. I watched a young doe nervously chew needles and bark from a sapling and slowly drift away from me.

Spring is a long way off and winter is still upon us.